Top ten things you never tell an editor…

10. I’m submitting elsewhere – unless an editor specifies, you don’t need to say. this does not win publishing points. but what this person don’t know won’t kill ‘em.
9. I need this a certain way/series in this order/etc – don’t be pushy upfront. that’s a big turnoff. obviously, if it’s experimental or visually-based, your writing would be submitted as such because avant-garde editors like to see something cool that makes no sense upfront. wait until you sign a contract to be pushy. but be nice… editors may not be in a big mafia conspiring with one another, but with six degrees of separation, word can get around and make a reputation.
8. I never read your publication – this may be a shocker, but you don’t have to read their publication if it is a specific market or genre that you fit very nicely into. you don’t have to visit a blues club prior to requesting to play a gig there. this is a shameless bit of money-making and they know it. those contributor’s copies are not free if you follow their advice. if it is a broad collection or you really want to publish in this specific venue, then by all means, buy up. but if it’s questionable that you will fit in before you buy, i will venture to guarantee that it won’t be any less questionable after you read it.
7. Your attitude sucks – if the editor is a royal bitch about everything, just smile it off. laugh that people can take themselves so seriously and remember that you may never have to see this person in real life unless they are local and even then, it may very well be in public where they should know that they can make a total ass of themselves if they act like a snotty literary diva.
6. I’m not changing a damn thing, I spent five years getting this right and you are not gonna ruin it – not taking revision advice is a big no no. it is not only a breach of contract in most cases, it is a sign that you are a complacent idiot. i don’t care if you think you are the best revisionary ever, you are primarily a writer, not a reader. if you don’t -critically- read at least three books or literary journals each week, your opinions about revision don’t count. this is all editors do and even if you whittled your work to a razor point, editors will always catch something that may not be all there. if there is something you disagree with, just say it. you’re allowed to disagree. hint: that will change the meaning, i purposefully misspelled that word, it’s not supposed to flow in a completely smooth, linear fashion. remember, the editor can’t read your mind, but if you work with the editor, you might learn something that can make you a better writer.
5. I’m published in all these places, teehee – let your writing speak for itself. if you are published in all these places, one more should be a breeze.
4. This work is copyrighted – well, no shittin! this one pisses off editors to no end. i know when i started an underground zine project, i got this line and the person did not even get a read. instant rejection notice. the writer was belligerent and threatening upfront about something that is obvious. the minute you write something, it is copyrighted. you don’t need to put a little sticker on it and make yourself look like a silly little tart. and you don’t need to lecture an editor about issues that he or she is more well-read than you are. these guys have the copyright law, the libel statutes and every other legal issue involving print practically memorized. do you go up to police officers and tell them to read your miranda rights? no. unless you get into a situation, don’t take action on it. haven’t you learned anything from iraq?
3. Have you read my work yet? – want to piss off an editor? ask them if they started reading your manuscript. it’s worse than the disneyworld trip “are we there yet?” there are hundreds of manuscripts on the table and only one way of knowing if they’ve read it… when they send you that letter. it’s okay to ask if they received the manuscript. that’s not an outrageous request. sometimes the mail carrier goofs and your manuscript is somewhere in chechnya in an interrogation room of the kgb because the russians think they’ve intercepted a rebel communication. it’s not a hassle to ask if the manuscript is there. it’s a hassle to ask if it was read. five people might be assigned to read, it might get handled by up to three different people among a pile of 50 other pieces of paper that look exactly the same. don’t flatter yourself that you would stand out and be remembered enough for any one person to remember your name over the hundreds of others and connect the manuscript with the name and e-mail or phone. you are not that special.
2. I love your publication, it has such great work – flattery does not lift your prospects. if anything, it works against you to inflate their ego. the better they feel, the more critical and selective they become, and the more likely a rejection notice or a revision session from hell.
1. I noticed the pay was ___, but the standard pay is ___. Let’s negotiate pay, right? – don’t… just don’t. it’s easier to do this at mcdonald’s than at a publishing company. get a food service job if you don’t make enough from writing to pay rent.